If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
ugh not again
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much