Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
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Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”