I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
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End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Duck typos.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
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