You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
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Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Camping tip: No.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*