*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
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If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
you have three unread messages
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.