I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
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I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Just why bro?!
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.