Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
“OMGJK” -atheists
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup