“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
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My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
stop