If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
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Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
how long have you had this for?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.