We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
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My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.