YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
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i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.