1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Growing up was a huge mistake
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
this has done me in for some reason