all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick