Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
You Might Also Like
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.