#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
You Might Also Like
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.