Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
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Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
kitchen magnet
“Wait, let me explain..”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
my name if I was in the mob
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.