how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
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Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*