The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
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and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
IT’S-A ME,
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.