Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
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Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
PLEASE READ
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
🦝🔥🦝🔥
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”