Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Breaking news:
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.