Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
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I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Camping tip: No.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this