[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
You Might Also Like
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?