Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
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Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories