“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
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[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
taking June’s advice to heart
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?