[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
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“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls鈥擨 wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 馃槀馃コ
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
work smarter, not harder
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we鈥檝e attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that鈥檚 not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i鈥檓 flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount