The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
My last name is Zilla.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
this is the news I live for
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet