ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
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50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Whoa… oh I see lol
LA today:
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered