[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
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My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
The Wolf of Wall Street.