“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
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15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.