don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
You Might Also Like
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
So glad we cleared that up
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL