ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
You Might Also Like
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
The Weeknd is back
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.