My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
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Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.