The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
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DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
BaD BoY!!
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not