me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
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People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
This why you should mind your business
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.