I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
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Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??