If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
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Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I need a headline like this
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.