Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
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I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
No way!
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.