I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Smile Twitter, Smile.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”