People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
You Might Also Like
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.