My Indian name is dances without coordination.
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Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
The news
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.