Speak now or ever hold your peace
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.