work smarter, not harder
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Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.