How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.