Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?