Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
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every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I was just discussing this with my cat
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
tinder is all about the long game
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo