I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
termite twitter scares me
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
British websites use biscuits.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.