her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
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When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
March 16
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken