I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
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[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up