*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
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*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Mood.. 😂
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.