Childbirth is so beautiful
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Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
That’s enough internet for the day
(True)
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..